So

So, it’s no real secret that I’m struggling to get back to writing. For the first time in ages I realize that I don’t have a song stuck in my head. I don’t remember the last time this has happened to me. I’m blank…So the search began, to “get back to it all”.Again drew a blank.
Searched, struggled, sighed, did a few neck rotations, cracked all the knuckles.
And then it just hit me like it was there waiting to.

“People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I'm o.k. well they look at me kind of strange
Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game”

Few nights ago, I was asleep but could hear myself thinking. It freaked the hell out of me.

”People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me
When I tell them that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball”

I’m been going crazy with work, have missed the plot completely.While the work has been good and I think I do it well,
I gotta unwind.Let myself unwind.

”I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go”

So took the advice of all that is strong and mighty, beautiful and sweet.

”Ah, people asking questions lost in confusion
Well I tell them there's no problem, only solutions
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind
I tell them there's no hurry
I'm just sitting here doing time”

Going to take a while to get back, but it’s a good start.

”I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go”

A few truths have come up,I’m not going to be happy unless I get to watching the wheels.

King of Wishful thinking

Well not really, but its not like your gonna be telling anyone.
But honestly things have changed…I have been busy; giving me less time to think about things, not always the best thing but it was what I needed. Drinking, yes but I was always drinking so that doesn’t say much. My world has changed drastically in the past few months. Only now do I realize it. I changed jobs, careers to be more precise.
I’ve said it here before that I’m cynical (and seem to be known for it in some circles). I believed and lived it for a good part of my life. I can’t say that I’m the same anymore. I’ve changed; no it wasn’t an epiphany or anything like that. I think I just kinda did. I’m not yet singing in the rain so to speak but I’ll get there (strike that, I’m not the singing in the rain types, will settle for walking in the rain)

Shoppers stop

Ground floor, the perfume section was reminding me of her.
Second floor was the small little bookshop, which was okay.
Third floor, the in store music was playing singing in the rain…was amused. And that’s new…so I’ll do all right.

This past week had a birthday within it, am nonchalant about birthdays. Just another day in my book (I’m a boring and cynical human being)
But this year was different…was at a meeting, a colleague told the client, client told the hotel staff…long story short, during the break I was cutting a cake (did not intend for a rhyme here I swear) in front of colleagues and clients…Very much amusing and very much embarrassing.
Long week hence the short sentences…tired, aching and two drinks short of content.

Letter

Hey,
You said my gift was to write. I pondered upon it for a month and in between wrote what I thought appropriate. How funny it is that I write my heart out at my worst times. It only reiterates the words, a poet needs his pain After writing boy your gonna carry that weight a long time,I couldn’t write, I refused to write any further about pain. Was afraid that in some ways it would force me to put down in words these things and then it would somehow be real and I would have to start believing it.Work is great; am eager about Monday mornings but the downside is that I sometimes don’t want to come home cause it would then leave me time to think and thinking hasn’t always worked out for me…J…You said to write through this(and somehow I thought of a letter)So I am.
Wrote this letter hopefully it will be a single and not a series. If it is a series I will have to name it after that line from nights in white satin.Thanks man for your patience with me. These words are foolish and make me cringe.Take care dudeYou were right about me , I wanted to take that job and move out of the country, I was attempting to run away from things.

BR


===============================================================

From the "Letters I’ve written never meaning to send" Series

Hi…and also hi for all those times I wished I could say hi and fell short of courage.
How have you been??. You look well and I hope all has been well.
I have been finding it difficult to speak to you cause I wasn’t sure…I didn’t want to disturb your peace.
Straight off, I want to say I am sorry for my anger it was mine alone and I have no excuses for it.
Some truths, which I have never had the guts to say to anyone, I have thought of you possible everyday. And maybe hoped that you were thinking of me too. And yes I have missed you. Somehow it was easier to miss you when you were away.
More recently I have been thinking contemplating wondering thinking about things.
I don’t think I could go through all we went through with someone else. Not just because of the promises that we made but more over the promises I made to myself. I can’t see myself with someone else, it just wouldn’t be right.


Me

Boy you’re gonna carry that weight a long time

As I stepped out onto the street and smelled the 2am air, I smiled to myself. It was cold and familiar yet fresh.
Had mixed emotions of leaving, it wasn’t like it was a given that it was going to be forever but it could turn into it. Knowing me it probably would.
Sudden changes make your choices for you, which is probably a good thing if you’re as indecisive as I had been.
I turned the corner, a cab passed coming up from behind me. It stopped with its brake lights lit up so bright; I reached the cab unable to take my eyes off the rectangular reds. The door swung open and a couple stepped out. I nodded my hellos as I walked past them.
Sweet jazz was streaming out from the cab. It was perfect.
I crossed the street right in front of the cab, knowing I was being watched.
Kept walking until I hit the big sign, I doubt it had changed in years. Seeing its neon pink glow always let me know of how close to home I was.
Coming here hadn’t made sense earlier but then some dreams take up too much space.
I wondered what everyone was doing right about now. I bet they were all busy with their days, looked at the clock to see if I could call anyone. Nah! It was a silly idea. I was enjoying the silence far too much to disturb it.

Walking past the old theater, it seemed more defined now that it didn’t have a throng of people walking past it. I noticed its posters for the first time and made a mental note to pay more attention to it during the day.

“You’re a bloody freak, you feel the need to live and relive your pain with a sadistic loom, man you need to move on” he said in ways only a best bud can.

I was thinking...and my feet seemed to move to the pace of Roxy musics “more than this”
Next up was Crowded house with “Pineapple head”


Days have turned uneasy; it was unexpected but definitely not unexplained
Okay so I’m hung up. Hung up on stuff that I can’t change…I tried hard to with ways that I know how…I drank and I wrote… but to no avail.
I am scared to say anything to anyone cause if I did I would have to start believing it and that would only make it worse.
The radio doesn’t help. It just keeps playing songs like these moments but who needs the radio when the playlist in your head is melancholic enough to keep you awake.

The Movies

So any one who knows me knows that I love my movies…take them very seriously…
Relished the Oscars this year. Woke up Monday morning to watch them live (I live a sad life) getting only three hours of sleep, slept at 2:30am.

Sunday morning was living an aimless existence, when Go 92.5 was running an Oscar contest, He read out some lines and you had to guess the movie and answer via sms.
The universe was on leave, it being Sunday and all…and so I won.
I got 2 Tickets to Inox, Oscar movie of my choice…. Thank you Go…
Now someone get me a date and a life and I’m set.
I think a date comprising, dinner and a movie is the definitive date, but that’s another post.

As I was saying I take movies very seriously. Here’s a list of quirky things I do when it comes to movies.

This is a Cardinal rule: No Talking in the theater (sorry Nessa)
I hate it; absolutely hate it when someone does this. It’s the main reasons I have quit going to the theater. It breaks my heart to watch movies on a 21-inch screen.

I save the tickets from the movies I go to. (I’m sentimental and it sucks)

Read and also have a whole bunch of books on movies and moviemaking, also read movie trivia on imdb.com

Have a collection of movie scripts.

Own a growing collection of Hitchcock movies.

Never read movie reviews.

Okay so now I shall stop here…I just read the list back to myself and I am nowhere near as eccentric as I though I was…turns out I’m just plain pathetic.

This does not bode well for me in the matters of getting that date.
Will someone please drag me into the street and shoot me.

Now playing

Fingers entwined as you lay in bed
Lining your dreams with the things they said,
Painting a picture so bright and blue.
Painting it all just for you.
Sighing near your ear, whilst settling unto your shoulder,
Curling into you as the world gets colder.
Perfumed air escaping a sinking pillow,
Gaining you a familiarity, while you save some for tomorrow.
Mundane afternoons of many kinds,
And thinking about things twice two many times.
A hopeless romance plays on your mind.
A hopeless romance of the simplest kind.